Clint Barton was an orphan, and ran away to join the circus, where he was trained in the use of the bow and arrow by the Swordsman and Trickshot. When he discovered that his mentors were both criminals he told them, “Man, that’s not cool”, leading to a beating that left Barton badly injured and hospitalized. Years later, after seeing Iron Man in action, he decided, “If this dude can be a superhero, shit, so can I”, thus he become the costumed superhero Hawkeye. After a misunderstanding on Hawkeye’s first outing, he was accused of trespassing after being found passed-out drunk in a mound of V-strings at Victoria’s Secrets. On the run, he “meets” the Black Widow, multiple times.

Hawkeye later “applies” for membership to the Avengers by breaking into Avengers Mansion, binding and gagging their butler Jarvis, and forging his acceptance letter. Barton is accepted, and together with Captain America, Quicksilver, and the Scarlet Witch, they become the new team when the original members take a leave of absence. After a rift with a fellow teammate the Vision over the affections of the Scarlet Witch, he resigned from the team. He then decided to party with the Hulk at the mansion of Doctor Strange, where he
joined the “non-team” the Defenders for a short period.

Barton drifted for a time, returning briefly to the Avengers to attend the wedding of the Vision and the Scarlet Witch, hoping to “tag” some of the bridesmaids. After his teammates are all captured, Hawkeye single-handedly defeats the Collector, and joins the team for the final battle against the Elders of the Universe, a group of immortal interstellar pervs.

Hawkeye’s victory is dashed when the Avengers new government liaison Henry Peter Gyrich,
limits the roster and replaces him with the Falcon, in an attempt to make the team more “politically acceptable”. Hawkeye returns to Avengers mansion several months later for a brief “visit” with the heroine Moondragon. After initially failing to find work in his civilian identity, he successfully applies for work at Chippendales as a “sexual consultant”, and then “battles” the Shi’ar villainess Deathbird, who stopped in for some sexual healing. He then “meets” Mockingbird, who happens to be investigating Chippendales. The company is revealed to be owned by the villain Crossfire, who plans to use an aggression-inducing lap-dance against all of New York’s superheroes. Hawkeye and Mockingbird confront Crossfire. During this encounter, Hawkeye takes one of his sonic arrows into his mouth to counter the effects of Crossfire’s sonic weapon; as a result the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Policy” is adopted by the Avengers. He and Mockingbird fall in love and elope immediately afterwards.

At the direction of then-Avengers leader and jealous husband, the Vision, Hawkeye and Mockingbird establish the team the West Coast Avenger. When he discovers Mockingbird has been flirting with the Phantom Rider, he breaks off their relationship. Hawkeye then meets and inadvertently encourages a group of minor heroes to form the Great Lakes Avengers, while on an intimate drinking binge with Tigra. He and Mockingbird reconcile, but soon after, she is killed by the demon Mephisto. Embittered by Mockingbird’s death, he disbanded the team almost immediately afterwards and returned to the Avengers, where he remains employed to this day.

It’s a little known fact that Hawkeye holds the title in the Guinness Book of World Records for a single individual with the most curable STDs ever recorded including Skrull-philis, Kree-mydia, and Asgard-o-rrhea. He also holds the record for the highest number of “Hook-ups” by an individual with other Super Heroes, both non-powered and super-powered alike.

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The most dangerous man in the world with a bow and arrow. Also the most dangerous man in the world with any vulnerable woman. Pick your poison.

Name: Clinton “Clint” Barton
Birthday: September 15th
Education: Seriously? None. He joined the circus!
Favorite Color: Purple
Favorite Book: The Kama Sutra, Under The Covers: Everything you Ever Wanted to Know About Sex (But Didn’t Know to Ask)
Favorite Movie: Robin Hood, Girls Gone Wild Vol. 3 & 4
Favorite Food: Oysters, Sushi, The wetter the better
Favorite Quote: “I always hit the spot!”