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extractedThor copyAfter his father Odin decides his son needs to be taught humility, Thor (without memories of godhood) is placed into the body of a partially gimpy human doctor, Donald Blake.

Thor’s presence on Earth almost immediately attracts the attention of his stepbrother and arch-foe Loki, who returns repeatedly to Earth in a bid to destroy Thor’s beautiful hair. Loki and his trickery knew no bounds; hypnotized barbers, replacing shampoo bottles with Nair, taffy filled pillows, Hairnets made of used chewing gum. His most devious trick of all involved placing an unemployed Donald Blake as a substitute teacher in a middle school…overrun with Head-Lice.

Loki is also responsible for the emergence of Thor’s principal foes: the Absorbing Man, the Wrecker, the Destroyer, the Red Army, the Tomorrow Man, the Radioactive Man, the Lava Man, the Cobra, the Enchantress, the Executioner, and the Grey Gargoyle. Basically, if a villain has the word “The” in front of their name, Thor has fought them.

Like all Asgardians, Thor is subject to severe dandruff due to the harsh winter like conditions of Asgard.  He relies upon periodic consumption of the Golden Apples of Idunn to sustain and extended the lifespan of his beautiful Golden Hair, which to date has lasted many millennia.

On one occasion, Loki’s tactics are accidentally beneficial – although successful in using an illusion of the Hulk destroying Hair Salons to draw Thor into battle, it resulted in the formation of the superhero team the Avengers, of which Thor is a founding and longstanding member.

Thor speaks in a distinct manner similar to Shakespeare’s use of standard poetic form of blank verse, composed in iambic pentameter. This is not the standard speech of Asgardians, but yet another trick of the devious Loki.

During a week long celebration in the halls of Valhalla, celebrating the Vikings making it into Super Bowl XI, Loki bet Thor that if the Vikings lost to the Raiders, he would have to speak this way until after the next cycle of Ragnarok. Seeing that the Vikings were favored 10-1, Thor readily took the bet.

Little did he know that his shape shifting half-brother would vanish while the rest of Asgard was tailgaiting, and transformed himself into Raiders wide receiver Fred Biletnikoff. As Biletnikoff, Loki had 4 catches for 79 yards that set up three Raider touchdowns and was named the Super Bowl’s Most Valuable Player. Losing the bet, Thor continues to “speak the speech” to this day, eagerly awaiting Ragnarok.

Thor’s lover Sif, an Asgardian Goddess and Warrior in her own right, spends much of her time worrying about and searching for him, often wondering who in the Helheim is this Donald guy on his answering machine. Thor met his best friend while exploring an approaching space vessel at the request of Nick Fury. He encountered Beta Ray Bill, who after a brief battle of arm wrestling proves himself an excellent drinking partner, “Wing-Man”.

Often being a victim to his brother’s trickery, Thor is not without a sense of humor, and loves a good joke. His favorite practical joke usually occurs once he is inebriated in a mead hall with mortals, telling them that if “They be worthy” they can lift his hammer. This virtually impossible due to it being made from Dwarven Granite, which is 50x the density of Earthly granite, weighing in at 400 pounds before accounting for additional enchantments. Few others have actually wielded Mjolnir including Odin, Beta Ray Bill, and Captain America, which Thor only allowed once so that Rogers could “score” with Sharon Carter.

While residing in Asgard, Thor returns to Midgard sporadically, forced to deal with a constant wave of Asgardian (e.g. out of Golden Apples); godly (e.g. out of Mead;) and cosmic threats (e.g. loss of Cable TV;).

Thor has currently been consumed with the coming of Ragnarok, hoping to change it from a bloodthirsty battle ending in the apocalypse of the Norse Gods, into a benefit concert for Greenpeace called “Ragnarok-n-Roll” with his band “Hammer Time” headlining.


Thor Logo

The god of thunder is one of the most powerful members of the Avengers, in addition to still speaking in the Elizabethan tongue.

 

  • Name: Thor Odinson (a.k.a. Donald Blake)
  • Birthday: Thorsday, August 10th, 5000 B.C.
  • Education: Knowledge bestowed from the Allfather
  • Major: Ass-Kicking in the form of Thunder and Lightning
  • Favorite Color: the Rainbow
  • Favorite Book: A lifetime of beauty: The definitive all-natural guide to skin and hair care
  • Favorite Movie: The Rainmaker
  • Favorite Food: Buffalo-Style Boar’s Wings
  • Favorite Quote: “The friend of Asgard, Jesus, doth mend’eth our stairs and terraceses.”

 

*Thor is played by Matthew Cornwell

1 Comment

  • Al August 12, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    Easily one of my favorites. There’s a certain innocence and naivete about him, especially in season two.

    Reply

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