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Logan, also known as Wolverine, has no true memory of his past. What he does have are memories of being a Samurai in Japan, a mercenary operative for the CIA, a “wild man” in the Canadian wilderness, and a Senior Ambassador for the Girl Scouts of America.

Logan has at least one memory of meeting Captain America (Steve Rogers) in World War II while he was in the Canadian Army, which has been verified as true. Due to extensive memory implants given to Logan through the Weapon X program, and an over indulgence in high-gravity beer and rot-gut whiskey, any or all of these memories are suspect.

Sometime after World War II, Logan was captured by a group of scientists led by Dr. Cornelius, and was forced to participate in the Weapon X program. Dr. Cornelius was hired to perfect a technique that would bond adamantium to human bone. Logan’s skeleton was bonded to the adamantium, and he was indoctrinated into the Weapon X assassin program, code named Wolverine. Wolverine then killed everyone in the Weapon X lab including Dr. Cornelius, because the bonding process “Hurt like a bitch”.

After He escaped the Weapon X program, Logan was enlisted by Department H in Canada, and for his first mission was sent against the Hulk and the Wendigo. Wolverine almost won the fight, until the Hulk caught him with a blindsiding pimp-slap, knocking him out cold. After his humiliation at the hands of the Hulk, Wolverine joined Alpha Flight, mainly for the free hockey tickets and all the Molson Canadian he could drink. Professor Charles Xavier later went to Canada looking for help rescuing his students the X-Men from the crack addicted island-being known as Krakoa, which had captured them. Wolverine accompanied Xavier and rescued the X-Men pretty much single-handedly. Afterward, Wolverine decided to stay with the X-Men, for reasons which included that he had the hots for Marvel Girl (Jean Grey).

Wolverine spent the next several years bailing the X-men out of trouble due to Cyclops shitty leadership, battling the likes of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, Vampires, the Brood, Sentinels, The Hellfire Club, and the entire Shi’ar Empire. Finally getting fed up with crappy leadership and blue balls from Jean, Logan sped off to Madripoor and took on the identity of “Patch” running a small bar after watching Humphrey Bogart in “Casablanca”. Even though the only change in his appearance involved him wearing a Nick Fury style eye patch, no one seemed to notice Logan was really Patch. Needing a vacation from the overbearing burden of owning his own business, Logan takes a vacation to Mexico with Alex Summers (Havok), only to be attacked by a psychotic Russian General with Down Syndrome named Meltdown and his LSD pedaling sidekick Dr. Neutron. Logan decided to go back to the X-men seeing that every damned crazy villain in the world was trying to kill him, and his bar in Madripoor was now bankrupt, he might as well enjoy the comforts of living in a mansion while saving the world.

While on Asteroid M, an angered Magneto ripped all of the adamantium out of his Logan’s body after he refused to pay his bar tab. This caused Wolverine’s enhanced healing factor to go out of control and turned him into a muppet-like mutated beast. This lasted about 6 months until fans stop buying X-books and Apocolypse managed to put the adamantium back in Wolverine’s body and recruited him as the newest incarnation of the horseman Death. Even though he enjoyed killing people in a new costume, the benefit package and living arrangement offered by Apocolypse left much to be desired and Logan rejoined the X-men.

It’s been thought that Wolverine has a number of clones, due to the fact he has been seen or reported to be in multiple places at the same time. This is not true. He simply is a platinum frequent flier member and has a ridiculous amount of points for free travel.

Wolverine is frequently depicted as a gruff loner, often taking leave from the X-Men to deal with personal issues or problems. He is often irreverent and rebellious towards authority figures, though he is a reliable ally and capable leader. He has been a mentor and father figure to several “younger women”, especially Jubilee and Kitty Pryde. He has also had romantic relationships with numerous women, leading him to be one of two Avengers with the most contracted STDs in the groups history, second only to Hawkeye.

Currently Wolverine enjoys earning a paycheck from not only being a member of two super hero groups, the X-men and the Avengers, getting a pension from being a veteran of the Civil War, World War I, World War II, the Korean Conflict and Vietnam War; but also owns exclusively the action figure and comic book rights to the use of his likeness.


Logan Logo

 

  • Name: James ‘Logan’ Howlett
  • Birthday: October 11th
  • Education: Raised by wolves in the Canadian Wilderness
  • Favorite Color: Pink
  • Favorite Book: Call of the Wild
  • Favorite Song: Born to be Wild
  • Favorite Movie: Dirty Harry, Dog Day Afternoon, The Wild Bunch, The Good The Bad & The Ugly
  • Favorite Food: Shish Kabob
  • Favorite Quote: “I’m the best at what I do, Bub”

 

*Wolverine is played by Jackson McDonald

2 Comments

  • Al August 12, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    I would think Hank McCoy would rank up there with STD counts or at the very least most conquests. I mean he’s got phermone powers

    Reply
  • Tack April 27, 2013 at 12:52 am

    Although this is mostly humorous and I chuckled numerous times, I thought I should point out that a mid- to late-90′s Marvel Comics collectible card lists Wolverine’s favorite movie as Logan’s Run.

    Plus, everyone knows that Hulk keeps his pimp hand strong, so Logan’s got nothing to be embarassed about.

    Reply

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